So between Friday and today, a few things have happened. First of all, that class? Failed. I didn't even try at the end. The final project was SO much BS. Most of the people taking the class were already teachers who were seeking to become "Highly Qualified" according to NCLB, so half the time I was lost. The sad thing is, I was extremely capable of grasping the concepts that even the seasoned teachers had difficulty with, but in each part of the final project, you were supposed to make references to 'your class' or 'your students.' Fuck you community college. So now, since I was completely unable to do the final project and half of the assignments (something that I wish had been brought to my attention at the beginning of the class), I have failed. Which means I can't take the next class in the sequence. Meaning I have to go drop a class. Convenient, eh?
Meanwhile, I have decided that I can't stand work anymore. I made a mistake in my previous entry. I said I love my job. I love most of my co-workers. I love a lot of the little ragamuffins I work with. However, I do not love the fact that it's part-time, right in the middle of the day, pays terribly, there are no benefits, and I come home every day exhausted. I don't know what it is that exhausts me, but the job wears me out. More than it did even last year, when I had to walk to and from work. Maybe that's part of the problem, maybe I've gotten lazy. But I can't do it anymore. Part of it is due to the addition of Pre-Kindergarten this year. I want to work in a Middle or High School. I certainly don't hate small children, but I hate not being able to put them in their place. If an older kid does something wrong, they get in trouble. End of story. Maybe they complain or yell at you. Simple way of dealing with that. they get in more trouble. With the small ones, they DO NOT UNDERSTAND. the Pre-K can't even get detention. So how the hell am I supposed to punish them? A lot of them don't even understand the concept of punishment, because they are spoiled rotten by their parents. One little girl's solution to everything is to cry, because she probably gets everything she wants at home when she cries.
So tomorrow, I'm giving them notice. I'll stay until the end of the week, and then I'm clocking out. For good. I should have done it along time ago, or at least ask for less hours. Why didn't I? Because I am a pushover. that's right. I am SO easily manipulated into doing stuff. Sure I can be a bitch if you're crazy or mean or bitter, or just a bitch yourself, but if you are a nice person, I feel obligated to be nice to you back. And therefore I don't want to say, or do anything that will make that person's life harder. But today I thought a little. And I realized something. My life is hell right now. There are so many things that need to change, and, to a certain extent, I have the power to change them. And I also realized that I have things I need to do, and they may piss a few people off, but goddammit, I'm far more pissed off right now than they will ever be, and I want out. So tomorrow, I will tell my boss (the vice-principal who used to teach third grade and oh, by the way, ties for my favorite teacher ever) that I am done, and that I'm sorry, but I need to move on. I've also emailed a middle school teacher of mine. She has asked me to speak to some of her students as a part of a program she's doing, and I agreed. Today I emailed her back, telling her what days a friend and I were available, but I also did something I usually wouldn't have done. I asked HER for a favor too. She is the technology coordinator for her school now, and I know her son works in IT, so I asked her if she could find out if there were any jobs available. And although it was a simple request, I still hated asking it. I'm doing her a MUCH larger favor, but still, I hated inconveniencing a person who's always been so kind to me. People might see that as a wonderful quality in a person, but I'm coming to realize that it's a personality flaw. Of course being considerate isn't the flaw, it's the fact that I have no regulator that says when I'm going too far, when I need to ask people for help, and when to just say NO.
So now I'm job searching. I need to find a new job, preferably soon. It's become quite clear to me that with no support from my mother (actually, with her demanding money from me on a regular basis) that I need a full-time job. I'd like to continue working within the PG county school system, because it will look good on a resume, and I consider education my path in life. The perks are pretty good too. Right now, I'm covered by my mother's health insurance, but only as long as I'm a full-time student. A full time job with the county would get my own insurance, and let me do school part-time if I needed to. It would also get me a LOT more money, so I can afford to pay all of the money that my mother demands. With enough money, I can move out of my house, which will be excellent. Then, I can file as an independent, which will lower my taxes and get me more money, but also get me a lot more financial aid (which I should have anyway, but A- my mother never filled out the FAFSA this year, and B- even though she didn't pay for a cent of it after she promised to pay me back, since I live with her they assume she pays). Then, I can use that money and aid to transfer to a four-year college and live my life the way I was supposed to after high school (which my mother also ruined, once again due to FAFSA negligence).
So all we need to do now is pray that I get a job. If not, fuck the system, 'cuz I hear Starbucks has good benefits too.